Tuesday, August 3, 2010

With you it's Catch 22. Because sometimes when I win, I actually lose.

I have created a list of reasons I think she argues with me:
  1. In the beginning, she used arguments as a way to get to know me. To see what I'd stand up for, what I believe in, etc.
  2. During the relationship, she'd argue to test me. She wanted to make sure that I had a spine. I could tell that she wanted me "to be the man" in certain situations.
  3. Lately, it seems like she argues to try and change me. There are no winners when we argue, just a middle ground. We "reach agreements".
  4. Alternative theories:
  5. She thinks that's how relationships are supposed to be. Maybe her parents argued a lot. Maybe she thinks TV dramatizations like "The OC" and "The Hills" are normal relationships.
  6. Some woman's magazine or episode of Oprah told her that healthy relationships require arguments.
  7. She wants me to argue back. She likes the attention.

The worst arguments are the ones that are out of the blue. I'll leave and will be perfectly fine. Then, out of no where, we are arguing over something one of her friends said. How does that happen?! Then, there are times where I can see the argument starting right before my very eyes. She'll pick a fight over something so stupid.

Mind you, these are all fights I can never win. Frustrating. Even if I am right, I have to be careful not to come off like an "insensitive jerk" or else that automatically causes the conversation to turn into how I could be a nicer person. Sometimes, right before I am about to win, the subject gets changed to "If you spent half as much time coming up with arguments as you did doing _____, we wouldn't even be arguing right now!"

Say somehow I managed to do it. In a short amount of time I was able to create the ideal argument. Sensitive, succinct, and gets my point across. This creates the perfect storm. This causes her to be "upset with herself" and there is nothing I can say or do to stop it. She doesn't want to talk and "needs alone time".

I once tried to avoid arguments by giving up. Think Dane Cook style, "You’re right. You’re so right. You’re the Czar of right, and we are all swimming in the sea of wrong as you float by in your ship of right." As you can imagine, this ended poorly. If I give up and she knows it, she feels like I don't understand her point of view and that I am just giving up to avoid arguments (which is true). She wants me to care as much as she does (about things that I simply don't). This means that I have to pretend to care and fight with her long enough to show I care, but I can never win or I am insensitive (let her win too fast and I didn't care enough).

This balancing act is draining. I hate it.

This entry reminds me of a huge rant on women that I wrote a long time ago. The overall message of the rant was that although I am frustrated by women, the most frustrating thing of all is that I am uncontrollably attracted to them. In the same light, what I find stranger than our actual arguments, is the fact that I keep putting myself through them. I'd like to say it's because of "sex" or "comfort" but those are things I can get elsewhere with much less drama. My brain is struggling to figure it out, and I don't know if I'll even like the answer if I find it. I think I'll quit while I am ahead because it feels like I am arguing with myself. There is one thing I discovered already about arguing with yourself: If you win, you also lose.

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