Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Blows my mind

I don't think I could own a gun for the fear that I would shoot myself. However, I am not suicidal. I know there seems to be a contradiction in those last two sentences, so let me try to explain.

Something about having a gun would open the possibility that I could someday put the gun to my head and pull the trigger. It would be a daily option so easily available that one day I'm afraid I would do it. This is the same feeling I get when I hike to the edge of a cliff and contemplate what it would be like to jump. The same feeling I get when drive and think about what it would be like to swerve into oncoming traffic. It's not like I have these thoughts often and I don't particularly dwell on them or anything. It's just a rundown of all the particular scenarios. It's just my mind wandering, creating a list of all the possibilities.

Here is a similar (but less serious) impulse that I sometimes get. I'll be having a conversation with someone when all of a sudden I think to myself, "Wow. What would happen if I just said [x]?" Where [x] is usually some horribly offensive statement that would take the conversation into a drastically different direction. Never in a million years would I actually say these words, but there they are, popping into my mind. Some phrase that could just explode the entire situation. What fascinates me is why I even drift to these thoughts in the first place. Equally perplexing is my natural instinct that prevents me from saying or doing any of these things. This instinct must be inherent to my biology, related to self-preservation and status quo.

For the few friends who read this blog, please do not worry about me, I won't blow my brains out. This entry was written merely to try and articulate a phenomenon that I felt. I caught someone off guard earlier with my reasonably pro-gun stance. My thoughts after that conversation fell on politics. Then gun ownership. Then myself owning a gun. Then this. Now I can't seem to get to sleep. Tonight, I will continue to stay up and read about psychology's "id, ego, and superego". In spite of my tiredness, I can read these articles for hours because they're all so interesting. Sometimes I really think I should have changed my major to Cog-Sci. This stuff really blows my mind.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Why I speed

I have a feeling I will look back on these days and think about how silly I was. How unnecessary the insurance costs were. How much wasted money went into speeding tickets. All that said, I don't think I'll regret it one bit. If not now, when?

You can die doing just about anything. If you can manage to survive all of that? You'll eventually die anyways. Tupac once said, "The only promise in life is death." So I might as well enjoy myself with the time I have, right? I enjoy driving fast and I am prepared for the consequences. Worse than my own death, would be living with the guilt of knowing I killed another person.

I try not to let my fears hold me back from doing the things I enjoy.

If there was ever going to be an incident to get me to drive slower, it would have been my tire blowout. Exactly two years ago today, March 10th 2008, I was driving home on the 163 going about 130mph. I was in the fast lane with a semi to my right when my tire blew out. I could tell my car was about to spin out of control and crash. Fortunately my ESP (Electronic Stability Programme) kicked-in and sped up my other tire, allowing me to get to the shoulder safely. My car saved my life that day. This is the reason I tell people I love my car.

No matter how dark my days may get, none of them are darker than it could have been. Death. Everything looks a brighter in comparison. I remember how fast my heart was beating after that all went down. I got a new lease on life that day.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Time heals everything

This blog might as well be a renamed "Andrew's Collection of Cliches". These past few months they've all been so applicable though. "Familiarity breeds contempt." "Fake it till you make it." "Easier said than done." Get em while they're hot! Today, our featured cliche is "Time heals everything."

I have been trying to eliminate my anger for a while now. I have not been a happy person. Nothing amazing has happened. No amazing epiphany. No startling event to thrust me into being a new person. Time has just passed. There are now more days between me and the events that caused my anger. Time has slowly taken its effect. Memories are no longer so fresh in my mind. Not forgotten, just in the past. All of a sudden... I am not that angry anymore.

The time has moved slow, but it has moved sure enough. There are certain moments in your life that force you to categorize things into "before" and "after". Today, I think I am ready for "my life after depression". Perhaps this is faking it till I make it. Oh well.