Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Suicide, Depression, Anger, and Purpose

Let me begin by stating that suicide is for fucking losers. Suicide is the easy way out for ignorant pricks. I consider it to be the ultimate selfish act. Nowadays, my disdain for those who commit suicide is the only thing keeping me from that option. I would never want to be associated with them. (Well except for maybe Van Gogh, but he's quite the exception).

These last few months have left me feeling extremely "depressed". At first, I was in denial and tried to dance around the label. I'd tell myself, “Eh, it's just a rut.” “It is just the Winter Blues.” I joked with my friends, “Hey! Perfect people have bad days too!” Underneath though, I knew something was wrong. I ended up taking a plethora of self tests to try and figure out if I was depressed or not. Well apparently I have all the symptoms: insomnia, difficulty concentrating, irritability, decreased sex drive, lack of motivation, the list goes on. The next step followed quickly, acceptance. I admitted to myself, “Fine, I am depressed, now what?”

I logically attempted to remedy my situation. Depression is something I've seen my ex-girlfriend go through and I've seen it in the movies. But now it's me. I didn't know what to do. I turned to my friends and reached out to those who were available. I continued to do the things I normally did, hoping that it would go away. No one really believed me, I am not sure if I even believed it myself. I wanted to run into a string of good luck so it could just disappear. I felt sad, lonely, and empty all the time and even the small wins in my life did nothing for me anymore. It wasn't working. I needed to try something else and I didn't want to do anything drastic or stupid, so I attempted to look online to fix myself. “Good ol' Google, the internet can't fail me.”

Or can it. I found very little non-medical or non-psychiatric advice. Maybe I am old school, but I am not a proponent of those kinds of solutions. I find it disgusting that boys are being prescribed Riddlen just for being boys. I find it stupid that people stay in horrible marriages at the advice of their "marriage counselors" rather than just splitting up. All of it seemed stupid to me, this fake "illness" with stupid solutions. Hell, if I was going to take Tricylic Antidepressants or Monoamine Oxidase Inhibitors to make myself feel better, I might as well spend the fucking money in a strip club. I say that is a better (and less dependence-based) temporary solution.

What can I do? The internet failed me for the first time in a long time. I don't want to see a “professional”. I don't want to dope myself up everyday on happy pills. I ran into a wall, but this feeling wasn't new. It has happened before; I just need to remember what I did then.

I hadn't had big problems in a while. Things were on cruise control and I was feeling pretty invincible with a “blessed life”. Wait, now I remember. Things have not always been this easy, I have had to rise to the occasion multiple times before. I just need to do what I have done my whole life, what everyone else does: simply overcome obstacles. I just have to look inside myself and present it as another obstacle to overcome.

Too long I have relied on my friends for their advice on a life they don't live. Too long I have found comfort in dating random girls to keep myself entertained and distracted. Enough of the mild escapism of other people; I need to deal with my problems. This time, my obstacle is “depression”.

I have decided to take a hiatus from my social life for two reasons:

One – keeping everyone away for my own good. I need to have my own thoughts and take everything at face value. At the end of the day, I may call them "friends", but I don't give a shit what they think and shouldn't let anything they say effect me. Normally, I am pretty good at recognizing when I am in over my head and need help, but this isn't something that a friend can coach me through. This isn't something that anyone can help me with.

Two – keeping everyone away for their own good. I know that I am not good company right now. I am filled with so much rage, even at this very moment, dealing with loan agents that are self-dealing crooks just happened to be an exclamation point on a snowstorm of shitty events in my life. Every playful comment made by a friend would probably cause me to lash out and say hurtful things. I have had that happen one time in the past and it was not pretty. Consider this "learning from my mistakes".

Some of my friends will understand and some will not. I anticipate losing many friends during this hiatus and frankly I don't give a shit. Who will stick around? Who can say if anything can be the same when it is over? I suppose that's the whole point. Things should not be the same. I have already been able to fix one thing. It actually happened just now, on day one of my hiatus. I no longer feel that perpetual “empty” feeling. This anger has given me purpose and the hiatus is my tool.

I now carry only one mission on my mind at all times: Find out what is really fucking bothering me. Then destroy it.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

If you make a job out of what you love, what you love will become a job

For a long time I subscribed to the notion that your occupation should be directly related to your passions. "Do what you love!" is what I have been told my whole life.

I used to love playing video games. One game, World of Warcraft, took over my life for about a year or so. I became extremely good at the game. Loved it. People started paying me real money to play. But one night it happened: I was being called by one of my team members to get online and play so we could "sell our points for this week". I felt obligated to play. World of Warcraft became work. That was the moment I lost my passion for gaming.

I used to be very passionate about programming. Over time, programming became work. Part of me still likes to game a bit, part of me still likes coding a bit. I have actually missed programming over the past month, where all I have been doing is design work. I am not saying that everyone should hate their jobs, but at the end of the day: work is work.

I have decided to try and preserve my passions by not letting money get involved.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Rambledump of current thoughts. Bring it on Twenty-Ten

1) Not setting any goals for 2010 because I don't want to jinx things. I failed my only goal of "buying a place" in 2009. I want a place so bad. Over 30 offers submitted at asking price. W. T. F.


3) Holy crap, I am lagging seriously on the MBA application process for this Fall. More importantly: "Where has my motivation gone?" I am pretty sure I can get in if I just fucking apply. Blah.

4) Why is there even such a thing as a "Guilty Pleasure"? If you like it, own it. Do it. Who cares what other people think? If it makes you look stupid or gay or not-normal... who gives a fuck? I am getting real sick of seeing an incessant need to try and conform to other peoples expectations.

5) My friend set his one goal for the year to get over his ex-girlfriend. Sure he has been with her since he was 16, and I cant pretend I know what that is like. But... GET OVER IT MAN! For his situation I want to give him this SA quote:

"Calm down. Breathe. This isn't the end of a beautiful love life that ended suddenly, this is the beginning of the rest of your goddamn life, and it's only going to get better from here. You're free. Realize that. This girl wanted to marry you, and she's willing to fuck some dipshit behind your back?

You dodged a massive fucking bullet, man. The really huge Super Mario kind with the eyes on the side, where you had to run and duck into the little divit to avoid shrinking. You did that. You got into that divit, and you're still super sized, and you can break blocks with your face. Now get out there and step on some fucking turtles."

I love that quote!

6) My overwhelming desire to drop everything and escape is becoming larger and larger. I have been trying to give myself a reason to stay: buying a place, getting involved with women, strengthening friendships, feeling a sense of family.

None of that is happening.

I want to escape and start over. Nothing is holding me back right now. I have the means, now I just need the courage.