Friday, April 24, 2009

Therapy

It has been brought to my attention that blogging is my mental anger outlet and sparring is my physical anger outlet.

You'd think by the nature of my last post and the frequency at which I spar, that I would be an extremely unhappy person... but that is not the case.

Right now, I am in a Thanksgiving-like state of reflectiveness and I'm counting all the good stuff that I take for granted on a daily basis. I can't really try to capture this feeling in words, but maybe when I read this I'll remember how I felt when I wrote it.

Cheesecake in the breakroom just made my day. Life is good.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

NERDRAGE

Top 5 things that irk me about social situations:

5) The "I'm broke" Person - Why did you come? Save money and don't come. You gonna stiff us with the bill and pay the absolute min without tip? Live within your means, it's smart and respectable. Sure it would be awesome if you were here, that is why you were invited. But if you cant afford it, just say you cant make it. If you actually DO come out and you are broke, don't sit there and complain as you spend money. Which brings me to the next worse category...

4) Complainers - You can either be a complaining high maintenance bitch and whine until the waitress comes. Or, you can just relax and the waitress will come when she comes. Here are your two choices: 1) stress and get result X. 2) relax and get result X. Which one are you going to choose? Stop talking so much about shit you cant do anything about. fuck.

3) Late People - a.k.a. People who are inconsiderate and poor planners. Once or twice is understandable, shit happens. But every single time? Really? Habitual lateness its not trendy or fashionable, its fucking rude.

2) Flakes - What is worse than the people that show up late? The people that don't show up at all. We held an extra spot at the poker table for nothing. We saved a chair and had 100 people ask if we were using it. When we leave the place, the people who asked us look and see how no one ever sat in the chair, and we all look like jackasses. Well thanks jackass.

1) Flip-Flops - Hey I'm not coming. Oh wait I can make it. Actually I'm going to say maybe until the very last minute, then end up showing up and imposing. Sometimes, its great if something cleared up and you can make it. Sometimes your pleasant surprise turns into a hindrance. Recognize the difference or just stop being such a fucking flip-flop.

While I'm at it let me just get a buncha other shit off my chest:

me: Hey would you like to come? someone: No.
Then repeat that invite like 5x times to all different events... Then a day after some event I didn't invite them to... someone: Hey I heard you did X, where was MY invite?!
Well you didn't get invited because you turned down my last 5 invites. How about instead of me taking my time to invite you, you take 1 second to tell me when YOU have the time? Or god forbid you actually invite ME to something.

me: Hey would you like to come? someone: No...
Perfectly fine. But now its followed by their life story about why life is so hard and they cant make it. Or better yet, the story about the super fun event that they are doing instead, that I wasn't invited to. For the love of god just say "cant make it" or "not this time". If I want to know why you cant make it I might be like "everything ok?" or playfully be like "WTF BISH WHY NOT?!" If it IS appropriate in the context of the conversation to tell me why you cant come, then say so succinctly.
I don't want to party with someone who doesn't want to be there. If you don't want to be there, don't come. If you actually DO come and the whole time all you can talk about is "Hey so I finally came out!" "Hey I'm here this time" "Hey look at me, the world revolves around me!" "Damn, I'd much rather be doing X" "I missed X for THIS" well... STFU! You got something better to do? So do I: NOT LISTENING TO YOU. STFU!

me: Hey do you play poker? someone: Yeah bro, I'm good.
And you don't even know what small/big blinds are. Stop fucking lying. If you just told me you were a noob, I might invite you to a noob game or something. But we have serious players who don't want to fuck around and waste time teaching some newbie. I had to vouch for you and you made me look like a douche for bringing you. And you didn't have a good time and blame me. Its your fault, liar.

While I'm at it:
Fuck you loser-type assholes giving me career advice. Yes you, ex truck driver, current security guard. Stop telling me your ambitions and trying to make them mine. You are all talk, and can't do shit by yourself, I don't need your input on what you think the best career path is for me, and no, I wont give you money. I have a good group of friends who are writers/mbas/codejunkies/waitresses/customer service/whatever who I don't mind shooting the shit about stuff like that with. BUT YOU???!?!?! I CANT HEAR YOU WAY UP HERE ON MY HIGH HORSE LALALALALA. la.

Stop pretending like you know me so well. There are probably only two people in the whole world who know a lot about me, and even they only know like 30%. Don't assume I'm nice because I put on that front for work. Part of me is caring and compassionate, but don't be fooled, I can be the coldest person on the planet.

Oh and here's a peeve. Stop planning so far in the future if I just met you. Obey the "you cant plan ahead more than half of the time I've known you" rule. If we are on the second date, 2 weeks in, and you want me to go with you to Europe in 9 months, it's probably not a good idea to ask right now. I'm not afraid of commitment but... IT WILL FREAK ME OUT.

Also:
Stop caring about what people think about you so much. Holy shit, its ridiculous. I don't fucking get it. Stop being so insecure. Who cares if the people in the gym think you're fat. That has got to be the stupidest shit on the planet, not everyone who goes to the gym is a hardbody fanatic you know. At least you are doing something about it. No one really thinks about you that much. If they do think about you, they don't nitpick you the way you do to yourself. no. one. cares.

FUCK PEOPLE WHO WALK EXTREMELY SLOW IN FRONT OF ME. FUCK THE RAIDERS. FUCK THOSE GUYS IN THE RIGHT TURN LANE GOING STRAIGHT WHEN THERES A LANE THAT GOES STRAIGHT NEXT TO THEM AND YOU GOT 100 PEOPLE BEHIND YOU TURNING RIGHT. AND FUCK RABBITS!

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Lent

First of all, blogging is awesome. I think it would be really cool to look back on this blog one day and see how I was, then reflect on how right, wrong, or ridiculous I was. My friend Sarah calls blogging my therapy because I can talk to no one in particular about whatever I want. There is something comforting about it that I can’t put my finger on, but it is therapeutic indeed.

Anyways... Woo! Lent is great! Okay, I’m not Catholic, but every year I decide to give up something anyways. Like New-Years Resolutions, I find Lent to be just another yearly excuse to do something to better myself. Sure character change and maturity take time… but it has to start somewhere.

Well, what did I give up this Lent? My Ego! It is great to be proud of your accomplishments, but there’s a fine line between confidence/cockiness and I walk that end of the line instead of the humble/lack-of-confidence end of the line. I felt people perceived me in a negative way because of my ego. So... Great idea for Lent right? Wrong. I agreed to let my friends hit me whenever I let my ego slip... many arm-bruises later, my ego is now ready for a huge tirade, ready to slaughter anyone willing to stand in my way.

With Lent coming to an end, I look back on my journey and it was not a complete failure. At the very least, it stimulated some inward reflection about why I have the ego that I do. What follows is some of that reflection, the origins, and some situations involving it all.

Let me first defend myself by saying that I haven’t always had an ego. I think my front has been put up in full force recently, in 2008, as a defense mechanism. Like other people with cocky exteriors, I use it as a way to protect the insecure and hurt person underneath. Yes, I, a person with a huge ego, am admitting that underneath I am insecure and hurt.

Let me first attempt to justify my ego wall. Not that I feel like I have to, but maybe I can convince myself that it’s okay to have an ego like I do.

There are things that can destroy your trust in people. Here were my steps: Fall madly in love with a person, let them far into your life, and then have them nearly destroy everything. I am referring to an event about a year ago in which my heart was wrenched from me by a woman that I loved, Linda. Since then, I have not had a serious meaningful relationship. I would describe myself in my current state as a "hopeless romantic with a frozen heart".

Now that may seem like it has a negative connotation, but it really shouldn’t. Over the past year I have been happier and more successful than I have ever been. In a very third person way, my experience with Linda was definitely one of the best things to happen to my life. I have developed into a person that I am really content with, hence the ego. Of course there are things I can do to improve, but overall I am really happy.

In the past year there have been bumps in the road though. I would say the biggest "bump" was between me and a girl named Jenny. The roller coaster with Jenny was intense. I went through becoming friends, to thinking I was in love with her, to being even better friends. Then... cutting her out of my life completely. In hindsight, the whole situation formed from a series of ridiculous events, but the end result was clear to me. I will say with confidence that my experience with Linda definitely played a big part in how I handled things with Jenny. However, she is not the only girl to suffer from the shockwave from Linda. I would say that all my relationships have suffered since Linda, in the sense that I don’t give people a chance to hurt me anymore. I now deal with relationships in a very clairvoyant way:

See people for who they are, not who you want them to be. See a relationship for what it is, not what you want it to be.

Nowadays, when I am with a person, I am constantly evaluating who they are, how are they acting, what they are like, how they are treating me. I literally ask myself: Where is this relationship going? What does this person think of me? What do I want from the relationship?

I don’t like doing it, I consciously feel myself doing it and I can’t help it. If at any time I ask myself "What is the point of having this person in my life?" and if I can’t give myself a straight answer, my next action becomes clear: cut them out of my life. Well in spite of this harshly honest approach, the results have been outstanding. This precautionary, almost premature, cessation of relationships saves unneeded heartache, stress, and drama on both sides.

This brings me to the next biggest bump in my life since adopting this outlook. This event is actually occurring right now, and is the catalyst for my entry.

I am crazy about a girl right now. We like each other and I feel myself falling. She is basically perfect for me except for one minor problem, she has a boyfriend. Her relationship with her boyfriend is not going well. The old Andrew would basically woo her away from her boyfriend and we would eventually end up together. As I’m writing this, I can see how easy it would be.

However, with my new outlook, I should just avoid her. The whole situation is setting one of us up to get hurt badly. Home-wrecking would not be worth it for a plethora of logical reasons. So, armed with that information, I should just avoid this whole situation and hope that one day I get a Facebook update saying she is single. Lol. Sigh. Pathetic.

I feel stuck and frustrated at the whole situation. On one side I have my values: newly adopted values that have served me very well, making me happier than I have ever been. On the other side, these values have not served me well in the relationship department. I can consciously make this bad decision and tell myself that "I will be different. I can be the guy to make her happy". I can convince her to leave her boyfriend and I can think she won’t do the same to me. I could allow myself to think that love is blind and doesn’t obey the rules... I am aware of how stupid that sounds.

Sitting here today, I continue to tear myself back and forth.